Nice idea to have another go at this Alien, nice one! I've been in somewhat lurker status around here recently. It's been ages since I properly engaged with this fantastic community, so where better to start than to share my positive experiences from this year?
I've always struggled somewhat with depression and anxiety, right back to when I was a kid, but I always had a handle on it. This got much worse in this past decade, largely due to entering into a very dysfunctional relationship in my early twenties, accidentally having a kid and winding up falling into that age old trap of wife, family and kids way too early and with the wrong woman. This led to various medications, therapy, interactions with social services, messy breakups, even messier reconciliations and ultimately a metric ton of resentment.
We broke up a few years ago, but stayed living together 'for the kids'. She found a new partner and situations in the house became strained. Money became a massive issue for me as I didn't have enough to support the family home and move out. She couldn't support the house on her own, and didn't want her boyfriend to move in yet. My work was also incredibly stressful, underpaid for what I was doing, and the management were actively antagonistic to me doing my job well.
I ended up being a complete and utter <insert expletive> to everyone near me. I was a complete wreck in near enough a constant breakdown. Death was never far from my mind, and I was becoming an active danger to others.
At the beginning of this year it became too much and I finally handed my resignation in without another job to go to. Thankfully I managed to secure a new job that was closer to home, paid far better, and is with a company that is much more stable and appreciative of my talents.
Finding newfound self-respect following this success I cut the financial support to my wife/ex right back so I could afford to move out while still providing mortgage payments and child support. This led to huge arguments and various other problems. Of course this all happened right as lockdown kicked in, so I wound up living at my parents with all the letting agencies prevented from operating.
What this did allow for though was a ton of saving, which was fortunate because when the rental market opened back up I realised there was nobody in my life who could act as a guarantor, meaning I'd have to pay multiple month's worth of rent upfront. Despite that setback I managed to secure a two bedroom flat near my daughter within a week of the markets opening.
Now I'm living on my own I'm starting to find myself again. I've got a far healthier relationship with my daughter. I'm also realising that a lot of my mental health problems are exacerbated by poor diet, no exercise and terrible thought habits, all compounded by a decade of trying to survive that dysfunctional relationship.
I've started taking much better care of myself. I care about how I present myself. I iron my shirts, shave every few days and have had a haircut. I'm starting to eat better too, even to the point of transitioning to a more plant based diet.
I'm learning to rely on my friends, and how to trust people, something I don't feel I've ever been able to do. I'm opening up more, allowing myself to feel the various emotions that plague our human condition, and finding that people still accept me.
The exercise is coming along too. My parents broke up a few weeks ago, which is never easy, even as an adult, but owing to my brighter and more open disposition I've been able to see silver linings in otherwise bad situations. My dad wants rid of a load of stuff so I've bought a punchbag and an exercise bike at very reasonable rates so I can improve my home fitness regime.
2020 has been a terrible year for most people, but to me it will always be the year that I overcame a decade of mistakes and poor decisions and started to forgive myself and treat myself with compassion. There's still a long road ahead, but it all started here.
I feel for you there. A lot.
I got myself into a relationship and instead of knowing that I wasn't happy deep down I was too scared to accept that I had made a big mistake and going forward was easier than going back.
I changed about everything about myself. Some of it I was happy about, but all of it was forced on me. Like I say, parts of that changing I was happy about but most of it just made me miserable. Instead of having my own set of friends I was controlled and got "her" friends and wherever I went was controlled and pre determined.
She would come home from work, and like some sort of sadist I would say "Hey sweetie ! how was your day?" and then I would get slammed with a torrent of misery and complaining.
I thought I could make her happy. I genuinely thought with a positive attitude and an idealistic drive I could pour all of my happiness and enthusiasm into her. Unfortunately, as I learned *AGAIN* with my second wife there is a reason why these sort of women are drawn to me. They feed on my happiness, and then continually throw their unhappiness in my face.
Like I said, being happy with yourself is the beginning. Once you can do that? you are in a great position to be able to assess situations.
Instead I made myself ill doing things she demanded I do. I took pills, I literally turned myself inside out. After six years of it I was finally granted a driving license and you know what? our marriage fell apart within six months.
Mostly because in the past I would ask her to take me out as I had been stuck indoors for a week and she would grumble and complain and inevitably I would give in and do what she wanted to do. When I got my car? I asked her if she wanted to go out. If she refused? I would just go without her.
She lost control. I had given her 8 years of my life in total. I gave up my friends, my family, my country, my house, everything I was familiar with and as soon as I started building a life for myself she lost control and suddenly wasn't interested in me any more. Funny that !
Never let it go that far. I took two overdoses because of my second wife, and she would have actually been happy had I made myself a martyr for her. She was sick, and again I found the strength to literally call the police during one of her abuse sessions and have her removed onto the pavement outside. If I hadn't? well let's put it this way it would have ended very badly, and not for me.
Again, best thing I could have done. I can sit and crack up laughing at stupid words, laughing at my own farts again and all of that stuff. All of the happiness she just kicked out of me.
Sounds like you have found your strength. Don't EVER give that up again. I know I bloody won't !
