Baron_Greenback
New member
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to The object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a Chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next Fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know The difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car Before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you From rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up Liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and The other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may Find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set
one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
And the absolute belter for last...
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
you've been banged.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to The object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a Chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next Fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know The difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car Before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you From rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up Liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and The other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may Find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set
one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in
your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser
disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
And the absolute belter for last...
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
you've been banged.
