Loss and Support Thread

Yeah it's a relief in a way. He's been sick for what seems like forever and I hated to see him suffering. Well, I didn't see him suffering because I couldn't handle it but I've been close with my family and getting news every day.

Always hard to lose a blood uncle. Especially one you saw as a father for years. When my dad died a few of my uncles all stepped up to make sure I had a positive father figure in my life. Didn't help too much (I still messed things up pretty good) but yeah, every time it happens it's like losing another father.

Poor sod. Early 50s, two kids and everything to live for :(
 
Excalabur50 said:
You have my deepest sympathies mate I'm sorry for your loss :(
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Thanks brother. Going over to my mother's on Friday or Saturday. She wanted me to go over today but my water cooling stuff is coming tomorrow and I am skint until Friday so yeah, better I hold it off a couple of days. No doubt my aunt will be over there today and she can talk to her friends until then. I dunno, I like to grieve alone. Ever since my dad died and I was in a room full of people crying it's damaged me. Now I just like to be by myself. I did OK yesterday. Some tears during the afternoon after I had found out and some at bed time. But TBH when I found out he had gone into a coma that was when the most came. I knew then it was over and he was gone :(
 
AlienALX said:
Yeah it's a relief in a way. He's been sick for what seems like forever and I hated to see him suffering. Well, I didn't see him suffering because I couldn't handle it but I've been close with my family and getting news every day.

Always hard to lose a blood uncle. Especially one you saw as a father for years. When my dad died a few of my uncles all stepped up to make sure I had a positive father figure in my life. Didn't help too much (I still messed things up pretty good) but yeah, every time it happens it's like losing another father.

Poor sod. Early 50s, two kids and everything to live for :(
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Sorry to hear about that brother. I really do know how you feel. My uncle got the all clear from cancer on a thursday. collapsed on the friday was given two weeks to live and died last week about three days later from cancer all over his brain. Its hit me hard
Im debating going to the funeral in a couple of weeks. My body wouldnt let me do the 450 mile round trip to see his last few days and im stuck in bed at the moment. A funeral when im already not taking it very well will put me in bed for a quite a while. My uncle was like yours after my dad died. He played a really positive role in mine and my kids life. Its really not easy at all.
If you need anything or to chat I let me know. Im great at helping other people with their grief. Im just not got at dealing with my own.
 
I feel nervous today. Almost the feeling that I have done something terribly wrong. Dunno man, can't seem to shake it. Definitely going to the funeral. I skip most, but he was my blood and that side of the family *are* my family** so yeah, definitely going. Got out my black suit today, remembered it has ketchup on the crotch from my ex step daughter's graduation. Hoping a wet cloth will get rid, I don't have time to dry clean it..

**When I was born obviously like any other family there were two sides to mine. One side was my dad's brother and mother, one side my mother's. Any way, my dad's mum died when I was 6. My brother and I were fighting and the fight spilled into the bathroom but the door wouldn't open. She had collapsed on the other side of it. Any way, the following year my dad died and with him any bond I would have had to that side of my family died with him. My dad's brother bought my mother a washing machine and tumble dryer, then spent the rest of his life trying his hardest to avoid us.

My mum said it is because we were my father's ghost and he just could not bear to look at us. He was a very "no nonsense" sort of person and very much an idealist. Not the perfect mix when it comes to children, and especially not children as bad as I was.

And so we never really bothered. My cousin (my dad'd brother's son) used to be close to us. Very close. When his parents buggered off on holiday they would dump him on us for weeks at a time. So yeah, right up until I left for America he was like our third brother.

However, since finding out I am quite badly mentally ill he has decided to stay away. I don't know why. I think he has trouble dealing with his own issues let alone mine.

So in a way that side of the family ceased to exist when my father's heart ceased beating. He was 35. From that day on my uncle Jeff (who just died) my uncle Bub (Dave, my aunt's husband, not blood but my father of all fathers) decided to step up to the plate. Obviously Bub is my mother's sister's husband so he sits firmly on that side too. I am very close with my mum's sister, Bub and their children (my blood cousins). I was also pretty close to Jeff. He was the youngest of my mother's siblings so growing up he was always around as he obs lived with my mother's parents.

And it was them I was closest to. That nana, that grandad (my dad's dad died when he was 7 also). So yeah, I only really had one side of my family.

They are what I call my blood. And I do not miss my blood when it comes to funerals. Ever.

That is the family I know, that is the family I love. We all share the same DNA from my mother's parents and we're f*****g proud of it tbh.
 
In memorial.

EmGQAPa.jpg


That's my uncle Jeff on the right. To the left is my uncle Bub, the man who took me in as one of his own. His children are like my brothers and sisters.

The last time I saw my uncle Jeff (October the 22nd last year, Mum's 70th) he looked just like that. Smiling, laughing. It's quite amazing sometimes just how fast life can throw you a curve ball. Not even a year later he is gone.
 
The funeral was today. Lovely family gathering.

The vicar said at the end if you had anything to say to go up to the coffin and say it. So I did. I apologised for not going to see my uncle whilst he was really ill and thanked him for looking after my brother and I when our dad died.

A wonderful fitting end to a very kind man.
 
I'm glad the funeral went well for you and that you were able to say goodbye and hopefully ease your soul a little
 
Only just seen your post. I hope you start healing now the funeral is over Alienalx. I have a funeral to go to in a couple of weeks so I realise how tough it is. Thank you for posting about it. It's made me feel a little less daunted about the funeral. I appreciate you talking about what your loss has meant to you. It's helped me work out what's going on in my own head.
 
Thanks man. I cried myself to sleep last night. Not done that since I was a child. Still, I felt very positive at the end of it. Basically I figured that no matter how crap your life can get and no matter how horrible some people can be to you if you have a loving family nothing they ever throw at you will change that or take it away.

Being with my family yesterday made me think a lot. I really do have a fantastic family.
 
Excalabur50 said:
Thanks Alien it hit me harder than I thought it would
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Losing a parent, especially if they were a good decent human being smashes you so hard I can't even describe it tbh. And that's unusual for me, as usually I am pretty lucid explaining my emotions. Many can't, many wouldn't talk about it.

But yeah my dad died when I was 7. I am 43 now and it still hurts just as much as it did then. I still cry from time to time it never really goes away.

I just hope and pray that there is something after death. I am 99% sure that there is (I won't go into those reasons here) but yeah, 7 years was not long enough.

The best thing to do now mate is think about all of the happy times and love that you shared. That's one thing I have learned since my grandparents died, make sure you spend that time and create those happy memories for later on. A massive regret I have is turning into a stoner when I was 13 and then not seeing my grandparents for about six years. But hey, what is life if you don't make mistakes and learn from them hey?

Thoughts are prayers are with you mate. I've taken to saying I love you in prayer to all of my lost family and friends again. I stopped doing that many years ago.
 
Yeah man it's really hard as I've not seen her for a while as with my wife being ill I couldn't go and visit her, and it's going to be really hard to lay her to rest as I've got a 2 hour trip there and back
 
Just hang in there man. We're always here if you need anything (not that we can help in the physical sense). But tbh? given I have pushed every one from my life apart from my ex wife (who I now go out with once a week and we have great fun) and my direct family it's bloody nice to have a place to go talk. Where I can pretty much talk about anything because no one would know it was me and can't spy on what I'm saying. I need that release tbh. I can't go to my wife about problems with my family, I can't go to my family about problems with my wife.. Gotta get it out somehow.

I had to be strong when my uncle died but eff me, it nearly killed me.
 
I have read each and every post in this thread and felt this would be a good place to express myself. I understand those of you in similar situations.
Although I am married for this past 24 years, somehow I feel unable to talk to my wife about how I feel and my emotions. Last year she commented about a neighbour that took their own life calling them a coward for taking the easy way out, knowing that I had been close to this myself so I am even more convinced she would never in a million years understand me.

I figured that since I was struggling to box stuff back up that perhaps putting it here might help me do that.
I am ex military, served in the gulf during desert storm and blame the MOD for a lot of issues thanks to them using us as lab rats, but that's another story :D.

Throughout my childhood from aged 7 till 16 I was target by various men and groomed and abused. I never told anyone about this, at the time I felt I deserved it and over time it became part of life and I just lived with it. Despite having great parents, it became my main source of attention as I increasingly felt isolated in a large family of 10 children, at least someone was giving me sweets and making me feel wanted. I thought I had escaped when I went to boarding school aged 11 but my little brother died aged 7 and I ran away back home. Even after moving to a different town it wouldn't be long before somehow some bloke would find me and the cycle would continue. At 13, I threw myself under a bus but went to soon as the driver managed to swerve in time. I even thought I was gay as I neared 16 as I had never had any meaningful relationships with girls my age although that changed once I left home and started to go drinking and socialising. At 21 I joined the Army and I married wife 1, out of spite as my family did not like her. I should have realised when on our wedding night she told me she had slept with a friend whilst I was in Germany and she was very quick to remind me each time we argued that I would never know if I was the child's dad. A year after the birth we had child no2 but sadly she died at 4 months old for 7 years I had a horrible wife that would publicly humiliate me in front of my friends. I met wife no2 and was saved Yay and ever since my life got better and all the was nicely kept away. When I got out the army I never felt quite right, always tired with no energy and as the years moved along I slowly deteriorated and after dosing off at the wheel I jacked in lorry driving and went to work in an office in what was certainly a stress free role.

I can pretty much cut anyone from my life and move on without emotion or feeling and I know this is not normal as I was not always like this. I have been spending time in games just to keep my head occupied. I have been feeling really low and struggling to put things back in the box.
This week my granddaughter died aged 5 and it brought back so many memories of when I lost my own daughter 36 years ago. Since I never met my granddaughter and only saw her occasionally if I happen to spot her in town or from the wife's photo collection. I feel as though those around me don't feel I have any right to feel an grief and feel guilty because all I feel is pain right now for a little girl that I was denied to hold and cherish.
So many times I feel like running away to who knows where or worse, but I plod on with emotional pain in my head and a tired pain through the rest my body. I go to bed tired and wake up tired, can no longer focus on stuff and struggling to find reasons to exist and its been this way for the past 4 years, in the past I was always able to shake of this feeling sorry for myself but not anymore.
Sorry for the wall of text, I only intended to make a passage and it was turning into a life story lol
 
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