G-Dubs
New member
With summer coming a young man's heart turns not to thoughts of love but to thoughts of modding.
With that in mind this isn't a project log, but a light hearted gander through a few common tools and their (un)intended uses. Feel free to add your own, but keep them short and witty.
BENCH DRILL:
A tall upright drill useful for suddenly snatching flat metal sheet out of your hands so that it slices your hand, smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
DREMMEL:
Another of the family of cutting tools. Technological advances have enabled us to transform not just human energy but Electrical energy into unpredicatable motion
MOLE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Correctly used, they are impossible to release.
ANGLE GRINDER:
Tool used to ignite any inflammable object nearby, especially clothing. Useful attachments include wire brush (see below) and cutting discs, used to cut studs too short
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
More efficient tool for setting objects on fire and damaging retinas.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut a large aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stir paint, stab vacuum seals under lids or opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; can also be used as a nail punch or, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads, or, even more effectively, Pozidrive screwheads.
POZIDRIVE SCREWDRIVER:
Modern development of Phillips screwdriver with identical uses.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans and an alternative to a chisel. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
CROWBAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit - or your finger.
PMA (Percussive maintenance applicator) spiderz
Originally a hammer was used for this purpose, however the operative can use which ever tool comes to hand. Generally available in 3 sizes. Coarse adjustment, medium adjustment and fine adjustment.
STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and hands.
SAFETY GLASSES:
Opaque glasses worn to protect eyes from wooden missiles flung from table saw or sparks from angle grinder. Usually found on forehead by paramedics.
SOLDERING IRON:
Converts nervous energy into blisters
HAND DRILL:
Hand held electric drill available in various sizes. Commonly used to etch smooth surfaces or to spin pop rivets in their holes.
SON-OF-A-B***H TOOL:
A tool that you throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B***H!' It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
The following are useful sayings past down from generation to generation intended to help the mechanic/engineer or modder choose the correct tool for the job in hand.
"When all else fails, use bloody great nails" grok23
With that in mind this isn't a project log, but a light hearted gander through a few common tools and their (un)intended uses. Feel free to add your own, but keep them short and witty.
BENCH DRILL:
A tall upright drill useful for suddenly snatching flat metal sheet out of your hands so that it slices your hand, smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
DREMMEL:
Another of the family of cutting tools. Technological advances have enabled us to transform not just human energy but Electrical energy into unpredicatable motion
MOLE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Correctly used, they are impossible to release.
ANGLE GRINDER:
Tool used to ignite any inflammable object nearby, especially clothing. Useful attachments include wire brush (see below) and cutting discs, used to cut studs too short
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
More efficient tool for setting objects on fire and damaging retinas.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut a large aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stir paint, stab vacuum seals under lids or opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; can also be used as a nail punch or, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads, or, even more effectively, Pozidrive screwheads.
POZIDRIVE SCREWDRIVER:
Modern development of Phillips screwdriver with identical uses.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans and an alternative to a chisel. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
CROWBAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit - or your finger.
PMA (Percussive maintenance applicator) spiderz
Originally a hammer was used for this purpose, however the operative can use which ever tool comes to hand. Generally available in 3 sizes. Coarse adjustment, medium adjustment and fine adjustment.
STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and hands.
SAFETY GLASSES:
Opaque glasses worn to protect eyes from wooden missiles flung from table saw or sparks from angle grinder. Usually found on forehead by paramedics.
SOLDERING IRON:
Converts nervous energy into blisters
HAND DRILL:
Hand held electric drill available in various sizes. Commonly used to etch smooth surfaces or to spin pop rivets in their holes.
SON-OF-A-B***H TOOL:
A tool that you throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B***H!' It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
The following are useful sayings past down from generation to generation intended to help the mechanic/engineer or modder choose the correct tool for the job in hand.
"When all else fails, use bloody great nails" grok23
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