Yea i knew that, but since you are aware that you are prone to overreacting, why don't you reconsider whether your statements are a bit over the top?.
How would it feel to you to forever, 24/7, be stopping yourself from doing something and completely rethinking it for the sake of others?.
It's impossible. I would have to literally be in charge of one brain and force it to do everything it doesn't want to, making it act like a different brain.
Whenever i post anything i read through it a couple of times, making sure that what i'm posting is reasonable, trying to look at the topic from a point of view which isn't mine, considering whether my tone is appropriate or not. That's the beauty of forums as a communication medium, there don't have to be any impulsive responses.
I read through what I have posted several times, and, I delete about 90% of what I type during any given day. You are telling me not to be me, and to act completely differently.
Why would I do that?
When I was diagnosed it basically turned my world upside down. Because absolutely everything I had ever done, everything I had learned, why I did what I did and so on was all bought into question. It made me think that basically if I didn't have the brain I had it would have made my life completely different. It made me regret nearly everything I had ever done. It made me feel bad for the people around me who had to deal with it.
At some point you have to stop yourself. Because at the end of the day you are who you are, and nothing you could have done would have made any difference. Destiny, and all that.
Could I have saved my first marriage? could I have ended up in a relationship with women I had basically chased away?
No, is the short answer. So what did I do? found some one just like me with exactly the same afflictions to share my life with.
Some one who understands. THAT is the biggest problem with mental illness. If you don't suffer from it you don't get it. And I completely understand that. I have an older brother who somehow miraculously didn't get what several members of my family got in my generation. He is the only grandchild of my father's mother who didn't get some sort of mental illness. Be it depression, autism, or full blown bipolar disorder like my grandmother had, and was constantly in and out of institutions during the 70s and 80s.
If I sit there making fart noises and laughing hysterically at myself my wife doesn't look at me funny or tell me to stop. She joins in.
That is why my whole life, my whole world is all within this one bedroom bubble that we live in. Without the internet? I would be completely alone, as would she. People are quick to judge and slow to understand.
I totally do not understand the world I live in
at all.
Couple of examples.
1. I don't understand why you can't fall in love almost instantly and start a full blown relationship instantly. Why do you have to play this game for a few months and not call a lady back immediately. Why do people ignore text messages in order to "play it cool" etc? what's with these games people play?
2. I hate human nature and I hate greed. That is why I give most of the stuff I do not want away for absolutely nothing, even though I practically have nothing.
I hate that look that people take on when they are buying something from you, immediately lying and pretending it's crap just so they can save money. If it's that bad why the chuff do you want it? I hate low ballers, I hate people that will stoop to any depth to get what they want due to greed.
None of it makes any sense to me. Life to me? hahaha in order to succeed you basically need to spend 10 hours a day at your job basically pretending to be this awesome person yet inside you know you are lying. And you put on this show to make people like you etc. Why? why do people do that? in order to succeed.
Life to me? it's one big lie. And I can't do it. That is why I have been an outpatient at the local loony bin for the past nine years. I go every month, I take all of the pills and potions given to me in order to make other people's lives easier. I accept I have issues, and I accept I can't be fixed. As I say, a lot of soul searching after I was diagnosed and I had to put it all into logic or else...... Or else December, overdose, hospital.
I'm not autistic, so i can't really judge what's going on in your head, but i think regardless of what your condition may be it's not wise to say that you can't be any other way, that attitude is holding you back more than the condition itself. Living in a world where everything is either good or evil can't be nice.
Yup. My condition has completely held me back and ruined my life. I've had amazing jobs, but due to the bipolar disorder I always lose them. I either say too much, or the depression puts me in so much literal physical pain I can not leave the house.
I've upset people with what I say. I've offended people. I've basically pushed away any real friends I ever had (and there were many, very easy to be liked when you are manic and full of fun but watch what happens when you actually need some one..)
However, you will never meet any one more honest than me. What you see is exactly what you get.
You'd be surprised how many online friends I have. People I chat to daily on Skype etc.I guess that sometimes I'm the guy they wish they could be, but can't through fear. Fear of losing things, fear of screwing something up.
I have nothing. Financially I have absolutely nothing. Yet I am probably the most generous person you will ever meet. See any one else giving stuff away all of the time?
