- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
- I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
- You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither.
- Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
- Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
- You never know where to look when eating a banana.
- The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
- Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
- You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
- If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
-Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
- Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
- Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
- What do people in China call their good quality plates?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
- I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
- I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
- You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither.
- Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
- Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
- You never know where to look when eating a banana.
- The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
- Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
- You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
- If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
- Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
- Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
-Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
- Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
- Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
- What do people in China call their good quality plates?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
- Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.